It is a giant party that we are all watching. Like with all parties, they have to end eventually because they are very demanding and distract us from the important things.
There I was, staring at my phone. How it sat inconspicuously on the table not giving off any signs of life. But I knew it was alive. I resisted the urge to pick it up. But I was curious if I had received any new messages. Maybe a message that Silvy was late.
This was the reason why I was here in this Cafe, Old Strudel.
I just didn’t want to pick up my phone and show the other people that I had nothing better to do then to stare into it. But no one seemed to care, they all stared at their phones.
Someone called my named. I hastily put away my phone and turned to look at Silvy. There she was smiling at me, looking healthy and confident. To be honest I was surprised, she was different from the last time we met. More alive, more radiating. Not this shy person that wants to blend into the background.
I complimented her and we sat down. Great to see you.
Sorry I made you wait, but I had to finish something. There are great things to do.
We met here because I had heard that Silvy was doing really well in her studies and because I was a bit lost in my own life, I wanted to see how she was doing it. Maybe there was some wisdom I could take home.
And she told me.
From the first semester on I was bored with my studies. Each class felt arbitrary and incoherent. I had to force myself to go and really push myself to learn for the exams. It was piece by piece and each piece was really hard and boring. At least that is how it felt back then.
To no ones surprise I did not do well. Really bad actually. I had doubts and was seriously considering to drop out.
But much has changed, I am now the top student in my class and one of the best in the whole university. Now it makes sense, the whole topic is coherent and I can see a future where I work in this job. I am motivated, I see meaning in my efforts. And I do not do more than I did before. I just have become more efficient and really want to do it. Staying on and suffering through it is not an option. You have to make it your thing.
And that is not all. Before I struggled to just get through my studies but now I have started to exercise every morning no matter what day, no matter what season. I feel overall healthier and more active. I spend a lot of time with my friends and I enjoy sitting down and doing a thing, just one thing. Really digging into it and focusing.
And before you fall from your chair I will tell you. And you will immediately know that I am right and like everyone else you have tried it.
It is social media and our out of control online life that is really fucking us up. Really badly.
I sat there and looked at her. It was true. I knew she was right. Well I suppose everyone knows it. But I could not see a solution, even though I had known the problem for years.
Silvy interrupted my daydream and kept going.
We all know the arguments.
It reduces our attention span, we build echo-chambers, echo-chambers divide our society into small fractions that are rather not open minded and that can easily be radicalized, most people consume and few people create, it distracts us from our own lives and the big problems facing us all, social media lives by making our lives worse by showing us outrages content, we fail do differentiate important from unimportant content because of the sheer amount of it, we lose our ability to be bored and let our minds wander, social media is exclusively owned by corporations with a profit motive, we can’t focus anymore, making it harder to work on long and complex projects, as soon as obstacles arise in live we distract ourselves online, rather than using our minds to solve problems we go out and search for someone who has already done the work for us – online, we have given technology total control of our lives, profit making social media exposes us to marketing propaganda, with increased use we feel more and more we are missing out on something if we don’t use it.
She stopped and looked up at me.
Sorry for this long list, there is probably more but everyone knows these arguments. You, me, all the people sitting here. Everyone knows it. But how come it is still such a big problem? Shouldn’t the knowledge of the bad outcomes be enough to make people change?
Well, as we all know it is hard, very hard in fact because we are always exposed to it and it is just so convenient to access. Device manufacturers like Apple build their stupid iPhones so they are “convenient to use”. Meaning it is extremely easy and fast to access everything and it makes you use it even more. It is everywhere. Everyone relies on it, this cafe relies on reviews online. They make great strudel but is knowing it not enough? Why does the whole world need to know?
And I knew it was bad for me, because instead of studying or thinking about what I wanted to do with my life I was drifting around online, watching some YouTube videos here, binging some Netflix there, looking at some beautiful people on Instagram living their amazing lives. And al the while constantly checking if someone texted me on Whatsapp.
I felt worthless because to me it seemed that I was accomplishing absolutely nothing while the people I watched did everything. Sometimes I did not leave my house for days on end and spend all day in bed on my phone, or laptop or tablet. It really got to me.
Anyway. It felt like a cozy and save world that I didn’t want to leave. Imagine what I had to give up!
It is a party, that is always going on, all the time, everywhere. And it never stops. There is always something new to consume. Always.
You find the corners of the internet that show you what you like. That engulf you with positive feedback and you feel like you belong.
I always had this warm wholesome feeling when I saw something. Something I really liked. I got excited because now I had another 20 minute video I could enjoy. And I really like these videos. And as far as I can tell they are not bad. These things can be really good and thoughtful, they can teach people about topics and engage them.
What got to me was these deep deep holes I tended to fall into. Hours or days wasted. Nothing is that good that you need to consume it in this amount. But this is what the internet allows you to do. You can have everything, everywhere, all at once. In an infinite quantity. I felt really bad and depressed after such a wasteful time.
After these things, I tended to be productive and stay away from it. Like when you overeat on McDonald’s and you stop eating it for a while. This is how I felt, I felt guilty and ashamed.
Only thing is, this is something you can do in secret in your own apartment or in your own room and because it is widely accepted, no one will stop you. And back than I lived alone so I could do whatever I wanted.
So you look at me and want to know what the secret is. So far this is not new to you. You look eager for a lesson.
In this moment Silvy leaned forward and faced me head on. Looked me straight into the eyes.
My Advice for you is the following.
The world does not work without it. I have seen people who changed to another phone that could not access social media. I tried similar things. Turning off my phone and not using it for days. Same goes for my computer. Sometimes I went offline cold turkey and yes, the first day felt great.
I was like, yea you are doing it and really sticking it to these services. Even the second day might be great, you can focus more and feel clearer. But after a few days you feel the bad side of your withdrawal. You think about it all the time, you can’t sleep properly. You are like an addict.
So in no time you are back at it. At least that is what I did. You cannot not use these devices and services. They are too ingrained into our lives and it is almost impossible to stay away from them. There are certainly people who can but all my friends and social circles use digital services for communication. Feeling bad and alone should not be the outcome.
As I said, these things are not inherently bad. Nothing is.
Now pay attention, this is where I found I could work with. And something that helped me. If it does not work without it there is no use in trying to not use it.
You have to ask yourself, who is in control?
Because consuming mindless means someone else makes the decisions for you and this is why I felt miserable after using social media, because it was not my decision. And this is the way too simple answer I can give you. Be in control.
I keep asking myself who is in control. All the time. And if I realize I dreamed off again in some videos I stop.
I do it intentionally. I use social media, I watch videos, movies, listen to music, read articles all the things you use the internet for. But I do it because I decided to do it, not because something forced me or pushed me.
I plan my day, and I do the tasks that I really need to, before anything else. I write down the things I want or need to look up online and when I get to my computer I have a list of things to do. And yes it does not work all the time but no solution works 100%.
The secret is knowing that I need to change my behavior. And this is a long term process not a three day or three months abstinence from all devices.
It is all about regaining time. To do the things that are important to oneself and that are necessary to reach long term goals and dreams. It is a process.
And social media cannot help you with that. This is why I feel my studies are amazing and I can see a cool future.
And yes. Many times it is hard. I sit there and think about something, or read a book or work on a problem set for a class and my mind starts telling me I should go online.
This is hard, but I force myself to finish my task, to do the work I set out to do and I noticed the more I do it the better I become. And in the end it feels great, because I actually did something. I like to push myself and see where my limits lie, because I think over time, there is no limit, you can focus more and more and work harder on more complex things if you get a bit uncomfortable.
A tiny bit more every day.
But I know I will go and consume some stupid shit at one point, it is about the balance. As with everything in life. It is a spectacle, and we all participate in it.
Well, that’s at least what helped me.
Silvy shrugged and leaned back. She grabbed her bag and got up. She shook my hand.
Good seeing you. I have to go.
I told her I would pay for the cafe and strudel. I sat down and thought about what she had told me. Now I felt not touching my phone for a while was a really good thing to do. Everything needs balance.